Log in

27 November 2007 @ 09:16 pm

so it sucks.  Here's my prob.  I find myself getting teased a lot.  I know that it's not as much teasing as it is ribbing (god i'm old) but i guess it kind of bothers me, even though i do it to others.  So i find that i'm a person who can dish it but can't take it.  i need thicker skin.  It doesn't get to me that much, but today it bothered me, maybe cause i'm under stress.  working at All childrens is soooo far.  it sucks, and the worst hasn't even happened.  This friday i go to work in st. pete (far away), go to class at noon for lecture, and go back for call, leaving saturday by noon.  Then i fucking do it again on tuesday.  I worked at USF clinics today with dr. hoffmann, and i really liked him!!!  so now i have something that i enjoy. finally.  my stress is a little lower, but i present tomorrow so we'll see.  i'm going to try it without pham aid, and see how it goes.  I was a little jittery today, and wanted to take something, but it never got so bad that i really needed it.  i think the lexapro is helping.  Also noted today, my sex drive is a little down!! fuck.  oh well, i probably waste too much time doing that stuff anyways.  i'm being clean even though no one is reading this. 

25 November 2007 @ 10:29 pm
happy thanksgiving!!  you had a great time. You finished your test and oral exam for maternal/newborn on wednesday by 1pm, and drove straight to orlando to see your dad.  Because it's 10:30 right now and i want to read Fatal Revenant by Donaldson for a little bit before bed, i'll just bullet point my thanksgiving weekend

- hung out with dad he's well
- played football on thanksgiving did good
- hung out with broadbents and wills.  was sad ron wasn't there but had a nice day
- stayed up till 3:30 talking with lauren.  she's a hot 18 year old mormon who says she wants to marry me.  but no sex before marriage? psssshaw.
- was embarrassed by the fact that i stayed up till 3:30 talking with lauren and joey told miss lee so the first thing miss lee says to me in the morning is - what time did you get to bed? I heard you stayed up late talking with lauren.  I'm like "who me?"  always works
- saw dad again. he bought a clarinet.
- played halo 3.  called a kid maalox because he was mormon alex and i was jewish alex.  Malex and jalex.  Malex Maalox.  Then i started calling him diarrhea. i'm a jerk.
- came home and jerked around (and it) saturday and sunday
- saw mom sunday ate at lennys.  started my fucking lexapro today.
-fucking start med/peds tomorrow. GAY.
19 November 2007 @ 01:58 pm
I am not digging OB.  Did a 14 hour shift last night, got 3 hours of sleep.  It was alright i guess, I felt okay, but there wasn't much to do.  I did like 2 notes on patients, and was going to deliver a baby but they told me to go to sleep and they would call in an hour or so when she delivered.  Well, she delivered really fast cause it was her 4th kid, so i never got the call, and ended up doing pretty much nothing all night.  I decided i'm not a very good med student.  I'm just not that into it, not like my partners are.  And i have a hard time talking to residents or attendings like a normal person.  I get along with my classmates pretty good, which is nice at least.  But residents i have more of a prob being myself.  Maybe i'll get more used to it.  But anyways i'm tired, and have one more shift tonight.  i slept 3 hours when i got home and that's it.  That's not very much dude.  I need to study for an hour and a half, but again, not that into it.  I just can't wait for thanksgiving and 4 and a half days off.  There's so much i need to do, like cleaning!!! and maybe get some new clothes.  I can do that on sunday.  I'm going to make sunday an alex day.  Buy some clothes.  Relax.  watch the office.  rent a movie. Whatever.  i think i might stay here wednesday too, i don't know.  This is going to be a weird thanksgiving, first family get together since ronnie died.  I'm really looking forward to seeing the grandkids, but it's going to be weird.  Plus i have to see my dad.  That should be fun.  maybe.  i'm just in a bad mood right now, because i haven't had a lot of sleep, can't work out like i want to, have to go into work in 2 hours, i hate work because i do nothing for 14 hours.  So yeah.  what's not to love. 

17 November 2007 @ 10:40 pm
goddamn i love b-blocking and atavaning in the morning.  So here's what i've found.  It really does help with the nervousness, and I don't constantly feel like i'm going to pass out or fall in fear at any second.  What i've also learned is that i'm not very good at presenting.  Here's my theory.  In the past i've been so nervous that i would just say whatever I could read or remember and hope for the best.  I wasn't thinking during those times because i was too afraid/nervous, whatever.  But now that my mind is more clear, i still have some of those bad habits, but i realize that I do, so i'm going to try to work on them while i'm stress free, relatively.  So yeah, the meds didn't turn me into a super student, but they have allowed me to think clearly when i'm presenting and doing this stuff, which is what I need to be able to learn and develop my abilities. 

I went out for dinner with liv tonight, i was hoping to have her alone but my roommate came.  That's okay, it was fun enough, got some delicious sushi.  They were both talking about doctors they work with and additional plans for the future, which makes me feel bad sometimes because i dont' know what i want to do nor am i making plans for 4th year or the future.  So that's definitely a stressor, and i feel like i'm behind the 8 ball.  I think i'll get there, and i shouldn't compare myself to others, but it's hard.  Liv said that i'm serious and that i'd make a good urologist or nephrologist or GI doc.  I don't know how i feel about that.  I mean sure, I can go into those fields, and i'd probably like them.  But i don't like being serious!! but i know that I'm serious because i'm shy.  that's something to work on later on down the road.  I really do like writing these entries. I haven't been back to read any of them, maybe later.  but that's alright for now.  Don't forget, you started 2 or 3 entries on myspace. 
16 November 2007 @ 06:04 pm
So i've been a 0/10 all day!!!!!  Yet mom is sending me lexapro to start.  do i want to start it?  I think I do.  I need to fucking study yet i'm writing in here. Because i think this has been therapeutic for me, so i'm going to keep doing it.  Tomorrow I want to relax and work out and study.  I can accomplish those goals.  I got my TDAP vaccine today and met a really cute public health grad on campus.  It wasn't a good environment for flirting, yet i wish i did.  I want to meet a girl like that.  Perhaps perhaps.  Don't know when i would though.  So i've been feeling good, but it's mainly i think because i've had a lot of time off this week.  Once i start medicine in 1 week and a half i'll be getting less sleep and doing more rounding, things I hate.  So i'm glad to be starting an anti-depressent now.  
14 November 2007 @ 08:30 pm
I don't understand your last comment :(  

Everyone in my group is teasing me right now.  In the lounge where we hang out, I had put down my starbucks tea.  that's right, I was drinking TEA!  So i go in there a little later and pick up a starbucks cup and start drinking, and honestly, i thought it tasted a little different, but didn't notice.  The chief Obstetrics resident, martha, walks in, and looks at me and asks if i'm drinking her coffee.  I look down and my cup of tea is still on the counter, and i'm drinking her fucking coffee!! It was gingerbread coffee!! She even says to me, "weren't you drinking tea instead of coffee"?  She looks a little mad but didn't say anything about it other than than, and i'm pretty embarrassed.  My friend was in the room, and it only took him about half a day to spread that story to all 10 ppl in my group.  So i get ragged on for that a little bit, that was 1 week ago.  So today we're in class and the course director comes in and says that one of the doctors giving oral exams at the end is the chief resident Martha!! I groan and everyone starts laughing.  The director was confused, she thought we were laughing cause martha was mean, but it was really it was because they all knew what I did.  My friend said i should bring her a cup of coffee when i go in for the exam.

This is all because I bought tea instead of coffee.
14 November 2007 @ 07:31 pm
It's only fucking wednesday.  These days in OB are taking FOREVER!!! Even though this is a short month, with Thanksgiving at the end, it feels like an eternity.  It's because I just am not that into OB.  My favorite week was newborn, which is essentially peds, so that gives me hope a little bit about what to do for a living.  So i've been rounding each morning, and getting a little nervous, but i'm actually improving as the days go on.  Today was good - no benzo at all.  I like taking these B blockers, i think they help a little.  Tomorrow i'm going to go for just beta blocker and only keep an ativan in me pocket.  Got out of lecture early today, went home, had some "me" time, and worked out with Phuong.  So i've been doing better, and i'm glad about that.  I've been ranking my nervousness lately, and i've been at a 2/10 or less most of the week, which is super.  Today I was a 0.5/10, so that's even super-er.  I got into a discussion with phuong about relationships, she loves this guy but he's leaving the country.  I was talking about erin, and how great she is, and nice, and we get along, but i'm not romantic enough and I want to be with other girls.  Plus i want a girl who's more in shape.  How awful is that!!!  It's because her ass is too big, that's all it is.  If she was as hot as some of these other girls i'm attracted to, it'd be no problem and i'd have a long distance relationship with her. But as it stands, I want to meet more ppl.  I say that, but am not going out nor asking out other girls.  sigh.  sigh.  What shall I do.

13 November 2007 @ 05:17 pm
Is this thing only going to be about my trying to relax?  I needs some help, because today was rough.  And yet, it was crazy easy.  We rounded for an hour, i spoke about 2 patients, and felt like ass, even after taking propranolol and a klonopin.  Which makes me wonder how i'll do without those chemical anxiolytics.  i'm like a 2/10 now, which i guess is alright, except that i just took a nap/relaxtion tape from the blind doctor.  So i should be lower right?  it's 5:20 now, and i don't know if i want to start studying or work out.  I really want to work out, but i've wasted so much time today.  Really, it's been a lot.  But i want to work out.  I feel i can push it real good.  So to speak.  With the help of my new friend, GAKIC!! they threw this crap in with my whey tech purchase.  I'll use it at half strength I thinks.  I feel nervous, because I want to feel better, but it's been hard.  Keep trying alex.  You're doing good, and you're trying real hard.  Keep up the good work with getting through this hard time, and you'll be rewarded for your hard efforts.  I believe you have it in you to do a good job.  I know you don't like OB or have a good understanding of these patients, but you're doing your best, so keep it up baby.  You can do it.  Tomorrow i want to lay off the klonopin, but perharps I will try a little more b-blocker.  Okay, Gakic and work out, then study.  I had jerk hut for lunch- 8 dollars, but that pork and rice was delicious.  Next time I go i'll spend a little less and just get the sandwich because their bread is awesome.  I haven't felt great this week, which is why i'm wasting my time, but i'm getting out early, so it's okay.  Good luck son

12 November 2007 @ 08:30 pm
i used to keep my journal on myspace, but i think it was annoying for my friends to see a diary entry that they couldn't read because i kept it private.  So hello live journal.  Man i hate this shit.  i felt better writing on myspace, but i didn't want my friends to read it.  Amber could read it, but that's the only person i'd feel comfortable reading it.  And i never talk to her, so how weird is that.  Anyways, i'm writing this for myself.

Today i saw dr. wood, a blind psychologist.  Just like my uncle, which i didn't tell him.  I wanted to, but didn't.  He was nice, and relaxing.  I think he can help me.  I need to listen to his CD and use it to relax without falling asleep.  that's going to be difficult to do.  I really enjoy writing this.  Too often in my day i'm bottled up, and don't get to pour out my thoughts like i used to.  This allows me to just put my thoughts to the page.  It's actually a very nice feeling.  He said I can go to a psychiatrist, and hopefully get started on lexapro.  My mom could write a script for me like that, so i don't know why i'm waiting to see a real psychiatrist.  Cause i'm dumb, and like to do things the right way.  I'm also worried about price.  fuck, i'll get there though.  Just need some time. I was thinking today, i'm going to invest in my mental well being like i invested in my health.  I didn't start out knowing what to eat and how to work out well, it took a lot of time, experimentation, and reading a lot of books, and even going to some classes.  So i'll do the same with my mood.  I don't know the best way to feel good, so i'm going to do those same things.  I got some books from the library coming soon, i'm gonna see the shrink, go back to see this guy, and hopefully in time i'll feel better.  I'm gonna beat you depression you god damn mother fucking son of a bitch cocksucker mood disorder.